Not real boys, Readers. I'm still talking about celebrities here. It's also scary that I seem to have a big black hole in my memory since motherhood, and I can't remember all of them anymore. But I am confident that whoever is among the missing, they are pasty, too.
You're probably like, WHAT? I know he's on CSI or something these days, and still known as a good actor, but I don't watch that show. I am specifically referring to Gary circa Forrest Gump, in which he played Captain Dan. He was bossy and crabby and irresistable in that movie. Especially when he got all scraggly and had no legs. That's when I really swooned. People always ask, "And what do you think that means, that you were attracted to an amputee?" I have no idea. You tell me.
You're probably like, WHO? I first fell for him in Shattered Glass, when he played the guy's editor. He looked so sexy when he got all sweaty and tense. Shortly thereafter, he was delicious in Garden State, as the gravedigger best friend. I realized that I mostly love his voice, which sounds like someone shoveling the front walk V-E-R-Y slowly. Yum. He was naked in Kinsey, which didn't bother me a bit. And then recently he played the sexually ambiguous animal lover (that came out wrong) in Year of the Dog. I liked him even in pleated bermuda shorts, and that is saying a LOT.
You're probably like, Oh, CLUELESS. Or possibly, "Phoebe's sweet boyfriend on Friends." No, that wasn't when I started liking him. When I really fell was an episode of Veronica Mars last year in which he played a washed-up rock star. I totally believed him, and my heart ached for his pain. I thought, this guy elevates every morsel of material he touches. That's why I really love him, Readers. His ART. Recently, we rented I Could Never Be Your Woman, an Amy Heckerling movie (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and the aforementioned Clueless) that went to straight to video even though it stars Michelle Pfeiffer. He's not only pasty in that one, he's paunchy. And utterly scrumptious. Especially when he performs a dance for her that makes him look like he doesn't really control his neural pathways. I am a total sucker for guys who know they look dumb when they dance, but dance anyway. Ooooh, somebody fan me!
Suddenly, he seems to be everywhere. But it was all over for me the second I saw him in Atonement, carrying luggage, scowling poolside, watching with horror and lust as Keira Knightley dunks her cotton-voile-clad bones in the fountain. And that library scene! But two moments really cinched it: when he looks up from under his lashes--sleepy boy on his shoulders--at the entire family waiting for him after he's been accused, and when he asks his soldier friend to wake him in time for the ship that will sail him home to his love. I know what you're wondering: did I fall for the romance, or the man with the butterscotch freckles? And I respond with another question: can we ever truly know?
Again, you're probably like, WHO? He's very young and pale and also British (Liverpudlian instead of Scottish this time.) He played Jude in Across the Universe. This was a movie, as David puts it, that was "widely panned," but now that I've seen it, I may never trust reviews again. I can't really imagine two hours better spent than watching a boy with a mouth like a rosebud sing Beatles songs without the slightest provocation (and quite well, I might add.) Lots of other people were singing but I barely noticed them. His hair is all...tendril-y. A look that continued in the very recent The Other Boleyn Girl, a bad movie based on a fabulous book. He plays Thomas Boleyn, the brother of the aforementioned Girl and Other Girl, and has very little to do except stand around looking pained and smoldering. And really, isn't that enough?