In Which I Find An Easy Target

Let me just make it clear that I don't know anything about the Kardashians, except that we're supposed to keep up with them, and that their names all start with "K." Let me also make it clear that yes, yes, I'm a hypocrite, because I actually have a subscription to US Weekly, so in making fun of one its articles, I am implicating myself.

With that out of the way, I can't resist a little commentary on this week's "Why I Took Scott Back," an interview with Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick, the latter perhaps the last true paragon of manhood in this great country of ours. I can't stop thinking about him, because every week I feel for US Weekly, as they try to squeeze juicy material out of vague celebrity hearsay ("According to an insider, she is a huge ho.") This week, however, the magazine has landed a soundbite goldmine in Scott and Kourtney, who are expecting a baby--one who will no doubt discover the cure for every remaining societal ill, including polish that chips after only two days.

The glowing couple appear in a portrait at the beginning of the article--she resplendent in a purple dress, he with his hand over her bump, which I guess is marking his territory, kind of like pissing on a hydrant. In a caption, Scott has some sweet sentiments for his future non-bride and mother of his child:

"It's exciting to know that my son or daughter will see Kourtney as beautiful as she is, still young and perfect, as opposed to some old hag."

That's so touching, Scott. We wouldn't want any old hags near your spawn. The old hag might offer the young innocent a special apple that will put them to sleep for a hundred years. Then they'll have to wait for another prince like you to wake them up. Also, it would be truly tragic for your child to be raised by a non-perfect woman, one in sweatpants with a belly pooch, circles under her eyes and chunks of spit-up in her hair. Oh, oops! That's actually going to happen.

Asked about marrying the woman with whom he's producing an heir, Scott opines:

"Until I can spend at least a million dollars on a stone, I'm not going to propose. I'm not saying I can't afford that now. I just don't know if I feel like doing it today."

Aw, what's the matter, Scott? Low on pocket money? I'm sure you have a million under a sofa cushion somewhere. Or did it all get stuffed in someone's g-string last night? And nothing says commitment like a shiny object that costs a million dollars. It gives women a special blindness that makes them totally unable to see you doing belly shots off of Vegas hookers, or wearing purple pants in US Weekly. But you're right, you don't need to do it today. You probably have other important items on the agenda, like applying more hair gel and enjoying your remaining nine minutes in the spotlight.

But the deep connection between these two lovebirds shines through in this passage:

"We got into a fight the other day, and I wasn't talking to her, then I got upset because I hadn't seen her in 10 minutes. So I went to her room, I gave her the finger, and she was like 'Why are you so obsessed with me?' And I was like 'Obsessed with you? Of course I am! We're having a child together. I love you to death.'"

Kourtney, love, I'd take him at his word. Back away slowly and then don't stop running until you've secured a restraining order. I know it's hard to jog in stilettos when you're pregnant, but you don't have much time. Because when 10 minutes are up, he'll be coming for you, and he just will not rest until he's proved his love by giving you the finger. It's just like in all the John Hughes movies...people running in the rain, their faces anguished, trying to find their soulmates so they can give them the finger, then obliquely threaten to kill them. Couldn't you just swoon from the romance of it all?

And the man is going to make a champion father. In response to Kourtney's confession that she's "read online" that you have to include the dad in parental "things," Scott adds:

"I'm not going to be too mad if you don't wake me up to do the diapers!"

What a guy. Kourtney, best of luck to you and little Kassius.