Deck The Halls

As if there wasn't enough going on during my vacation, what with the snow and bears and the road closures, there was also some drama involving...drama. I found out shortly before I left that I was going to miss the auditions and first rehearsal for the next play, and that made me sad. I contacted the director, and he invited me to a "pre-audition read-through" at his house. When I got there, I was quite surprised to see a crowd. There was even pizza. And danish. It ended up being a lot of fun, since we switched off reading the many parts--I even got to read some of the men. The rationale behind the gender-bending would become clear later on.

From there, I just had to trust that I'd be remembered come casting-time, since I was several states away and buried in goose down at the time. I received a cryptic e-mail from Dave the director to call him when I returned, but when I pressed him in a (hysterical) follow-up e-mail, he reassured me that I'd been cast. Whew! That was very happy news, the icing on the vacation cake. The sprinkles arrived in the form of the cast itself, which is comprised almost entirely of people I know well (can you believe this will be my FIFTH show with this group?) and a good portion of them veterans of our 48 Hour Film Project triumph from this summer. I tell you, it warms my frosty little heart.

And speaking of frosty, this play is a Christmas show. That's right, yours truly--Nice Jewish Girl Extraordinaire--will be decorating a tree on stage, something I have never done in real life. Should I be watching instructional videos for verisimilitude? The show has Christmas right in the name--A Tuna Christmas. No, the play is not about the fishing industry, but rather about a small town in Texas called Tuna. Here's the description from the official website:

Seasons Greeting from A Tuna Christmas, the hilarious sequel to the hit comedy, Greater Tuna, starring the original cast, Joe Sears and Jaston Williams. Come spend the holidays with all your old favorite citizens of Tuna, Texas and make some new friends while you're there. Master comedians Sears and Williams, along with some split-second costume changes, portray all 24 citizens of Texas' third smallest town, where the Lion's Club is too liberal and Patsy Cline never dies.This time, it's 24 hours before Christmas and all comic hell is about to break loose as the delightfully eccentric characters attempt to cope with seasonal traumas such as a disaster prone little theatre production of A Christmas Carol, and a yard decorating contest that is being sabotaged by a mysterious Christmas phantom! Bring the whole family and join in the holiday fun!

I'm glad about the "bring the whole family" part, as Jarrah would not take kindly to being barred from this show after attending all four nights of Moliere this summer. Just don't tell her that I'm playing a slutty waitress (also a sullen daughter of a larger-than-life mother of three. Notice I am playing the DAUGHTER, not the mother.)

I've been to one rehearsal so far, and it was mostly a thrill, since we are already on stage and working out blocking. That has never happened to me before; usually, we spend weeks out on the porch or in the kitchen with an assistant director, but this time we are taking the scenes in order.

So far I've only been daughter Charlene, and my mother is a giant man in drag. When I play waitress Inita Goodwin (pronounced "I-needa-good-one") my best friend and slutty waitress-in-crime will be...another man in drag. So much for my passionate speeches to David about feeling the girl power and working with women on this show. But it's going to be very funny.

My only trepidation thus far arrived in the form of a costuming discussion with the director after rehearsal last time. See, apparently Dave sees both my characters as VERY, VERY...buxom? Curvy? Zaftig?

Well, I'll just quote him: "I need you HUGE." So, after all my hard work to look THINNER on stage, I will be PADDED this time. With pillows, or stuffing, or who-knows-what. That gives me pause.

A couple of my loyal pals remarked "Hey, look on the bright side. He's not saying you're exactly the size he's looking for right NOW."

That is a comfort. But I'm still trying to see myself waddling around the stage while stuffing cookies in my mouth. Or being called "Moose" by one of my patrons. Hmmm. Vanity: I release you now. Be gone.