I could live on carbs. I think I do.
Some years back, when the low-carb frenzy began, I was seriously disturbed. Not because I considered cutting back on carbs, but because it seemed the apocalypse was nigh if anyone was even suggesting it. And the fact that carbs were not just defined as bread, cookies, pasta, cereal and cake, oh no, but EVERYTHING with sugar or anything good in it.
Low-fat made sense to me. After all, there are 9 calories in every gram of fat, as opposed to only 4 in each gram of protein or carbohydrate. That's more than twice as many calories! I was perfectly happy to have my burger without cheese, or mayo, and to get salad instead of fries. But if you even think of taking away my bun, beware...I might bite your hand off.
When low-carb first began, a close friend of mine (who no longer speaks to me...do you think something in her brain snapped from lack of carbs?) stood with me by the bakery case in Ralphs one day and announced, "I could just climb right inside there and eat every crumb without stopping." Yikes! One time we went to Denny's late at night and she ordered a 16 oz. T-bone steak...with nothing on the side. She ate every bloody bite while I nibbled my dry toast and jam. I wasn't sure what seemed crazier: ordering a giant steak in the middle of the night, or ordering it at Denny's.
Later, the powers that be redefined the low-carb mission to encompass lots and lots of shrubbery--so much so, that when my vegetarian parents jumped on the train, they had to give up their beloved nightly watermelon gorge fests. "That's okay," my mom told me. "We were eating too much watermelon." Yeah, gotta watch that watermelon. It's like shooting nicotine directly into your veins. Suddenly, it was no longer cool to order three-egg and cheese omelettes with a rasher of bacon for Sunday breakfast. Apparently, this could cause heart trouble.
Anyway, I'm going to go on record and confess that carbs are what I live for. Not even cakes and pie and cookies (though those certainly rank) but massive portions of toothsome fresh pasta smothered in vodka sauce, and hot biscuits with honey. I dream of hot, flaky biscuits. And sometimes the only way to make a bad day right is to bake up a round loaf of chewy, extra-sour sourdough, and let a chunk of butter melt into each piece. Only when my entire shirt is coated in crumbs has my bread jones been sated.
It really is all about the bread. I've got to have my sandwiches on honey wheat, 7-grain and rye, pillowy and thick. I need to start every day with a bagel, toasted crisp, with cream cheese. I need noodles in my soup, a crouton on my French Onion, the pizza slice with the greatest ratio of crust to cheese, and more spaghetti with my spaghetti. When I think "snack," I think "How about some lovely toast? A nice bowl of cereal?" Bread...didn't Jesus say something about the importance of bread? There you go--it's not just me.
Now I realize the carb-free mania has slowed a bit in the last few years...no longer is it listed on EVERY menu in San Diego that you can have your sandwich "protein-style" (wrapped in lettuce leaves instead of a roll) but you can't close your eyes and open to a random page of Us Weekly without getting a quote from a celebrity about their "get-fit tips"--"I just cut back on carbs and smoke a lot!"
No, they're not even smoking these days. Just doing Vinyasa yoga and avoiding bread. It's the last true path to virtue.
Which means I'm a-goin' straight to hell. Make me a sandwich for the trip?
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6 comments:
What kind of blog is this quoting Jesus? ;)
I cannot believe I just read this post. I am foolishly foolishly doing South Beach this week. (I've told myself about five other times I will never do it again.) I'm desperate--we're having our big family cattle branding next week and I'm hating how I look! (7-10 pounds heavier than my already large weight this time last year.) I literally just finished a lettuce "sandwhich" and walked in here to the computer. So funny. Thanks for tempting me! Ugh. People make their own sourdough? Why am I so in the dark on things--so naive, so childlike? I will make it a priority to bake myself a loaf as soon as I leave South Beach for the warmer, friendlier waters of North Beach. Have any good sourdough recipes I need to try? You can teach me so much in life.
Sam, you are a heck of a blog world friend. I am delighted to "know" you! And just so you know, I remember writing your name at least two times on entry slips in the word contest. Would you believe I gave you credit for prinking even though you doubted its credibility? That's the kind of true friend I am. :)
Please think of Michelle, your Albuquerque buddy, when you dive into your next massive portion of toothsome fresh pasta smothered in vodka sauce, and hot biscuits with honey. (I might also need the recipe for that.) Do you have your own cookbook??
Love, the carbless tortured one
@Michelle: I am nothing if not on the cutting edge, the peak of the Zeitgeist, if you will. ;) Though I don't mean to make fun of you when you must be so weak by now. ;)
I am thrilled to hear I was entered in the drawing...and two times! Now I'm determined to play more often.
And just because I don't want to mislead my readers, I will issue correction: due to vague syntax, I implied that I was baking my OWN sourdough. No, I was baking the sourdough I bought at the supermarket. ;)
I also think that low fat makes more sense to me than the low carb plan.
What happened to just plain old moderation? The pendulum will swing back again someday, I bet.
You made me want to go and make some toast!
oxoxo,
Mary
You had me at "extra sour." If it weren't for the bread (and pasta) I'd probably look much closer to the way I did before I had a kid.
Amen, sister! When a steak with blue cheese sauce is considered "healthy" but some brown rice with stir-fried broccoli isn't, someone somewhere has done some miscalculating. Besides, I have too many friends who have lost 15 pounds and then gained back 30 on that diet. xx Lix
Now, on the one hand, you take that steak with bleu cheese, and on the other hand, you take that fresh-baked sourdough bread... Well, just put those two hands together and bring 'em my way! I suddenly feel very hungry . ;)
I resemble you in your love for carbs and am not willing to try any diet that eliminates them. I will cut down on *some* white flour in favor of whole wheat, but that's about it. I'm glad that Weight Watchers allows a happy balance of foods.
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