Day 12: Investigative Report--The Costco Buffet

It's 12:22 on Saturday and we're jostling the crowds choosing a cart in front of Costco. I have my clipboard for journalistic verisimilitude, and David says I look like "a not-so-Secret Shopper." I make a note that there are huge lines for the hot dogs, I guess because it's lunch time and they're cheap. I've never eaten a Costco hot dog, and I'm not about to start now.

Inside, we've barely made it past electronics when a lady near the bulk snack foods offers us a taste of beef jerky, regular or Hot n' Spicy. We nudge Jarrah's groping hand away from the Hot n' Spicy, and we all have some. It's not bad, though I'm not that discerning where jerky is concerned. Jarrah and David both go back for more. The lady tells us it's "great for the little ones in the car" because they can't make a mess with it. Good point.

Once we've passed cosmetics, there are a lot of beverages to try. The first is called Thai Mangosteen, which has bilious color but doesn't taste half-bad. The lady tells us one ounce "is equal to 15 pomegranates." Hello, that's a lot of pomegranates. Jarrah is starting to catch on and asks "What kind other ladies we can find?"

Next we try Zipfizz, which is marketed as an alternative to Red Bull because it boosts your energy without giving you a "crash" when the caffeine wears off. The gal's main pitch is "for being sugar-free it doesn't taste too bad." I agree, and normally I hate sugar-free stuff. The three of us drain our Pink Lemonade samples, but I'm not tempted to buy--I've never really understood the notion of getting nutrients or whatever from a beverage.

David, however, does buy a box of Joint Juice "with glucosamine" after trying it. He says he'll drink it instead of orange juice, and at work, to help his joints. I guess it must have been tasty but I didn't have any.

I do make an impulse buy at our next station, which is Fruit Crunchies--freeze-dried fruit snacks with no additives, available in strawberry and mixed tropical. They appeal to me because they're low-cal but not sticky like the fruit leathers that Jarrah yearns for. Because of Jarrah's teeth, we've got sticky issues. But she loves these and I think I can get away with putting them in her lunch. Jarrah is really excited now and dashes towards the next station, yelling "Look, there's a lady with another snack!"

Dry-roasted edamame do not look good. They are shriveled and brown. But Jarrah yums them up, so I try one. It tastes like sunflower seeds. Not bad, and pleasantly salty.

Jarrah is eager to get to the fruit section so she can go inside the refrigerated room and pretend she's on "Brrrrrr Street." This is a reference to the Wiggles, in case you don't know. While she and David are freezing their tushes off, I sample the sliced peaches and nectarines that you can buy by the flat. I'm not sure what Costco is doing to their fruit, if it's genetically engineered or what, but it's like crack. I can't even buy their peaches because I end up eating 12 in one day and getting violently ill.

Now we're in the savory section, and the competition is stiffer. I walk by the Harris Ranch Boneless BBQ Short Rib station three times, and each time the lady in the hair net just shrugs apologetically. If you want meat at Costco, you have to wait in line or be super-sneaky like a meat private investigator. Most of the savories are hard to access. The Lean Cuisine chicken paninis and frozen pizza stations present an empty plate to passerby as well.

I try a few things in quick succession, because once you get into perishables you are in the beating heart of the Costco buffet and the action is hot. I have a green ravioli on a stick (they also come in yellow, pink and orange, and the lady next to me says, "You know what? I really need to try all the colors." before helping herself to four) which is advertised as cheese-filled but tastes like the fridge. There's a mega-station with all kinds of meat on a stick, and I extend my hand as if on auto-pilot when a toothpick with a chunk of gristle is waved. It actually tastes pretty good, which worries me. David and Jarrah try Smokehouse Choice Angus beef, but it looks like a square of fat to me, and I'm not enticed. David makes a face and says "I'm not really into smoked."

One cube of Chipotle Cheddar cheese, which lures me in with attractive marbling, and I'm done. The cheese has a retroactive kick that keeps knocking my mouth around, and I have to look away when we pass the new and improved Cheetos, though Jarrah is over the moon.

So here are my findings: Yes, Virginia, you can have lunch at Costco on a Saturday, if you're patient. But start at the center of the store, where the meat, fruit and cheese is, working your way out to beverages. And don't cram things in your mouth witlessly, or you'll end up with a churning belly (like me) before you discover the thing you really, really want. And you're on your own for dessert--we didn't see any. If you're not exhausted from the competition, you can line up with the hot dog crowd outside--the fro-yo swirl cones looked mighty refreshing.

Here's the final, shocking confession: we went to lunch afterwards.