K Girl

Jarrah started kindergarten this morning. And was a total champ about it. Her mama? Not so much.

For one thing, I felt like bloody hell when the alarm went off. I think I lay awake most of the night, heart pounding. What I was afraid of is unclear, but that never stops me from wasting precious z's at ungodly hours. I had super-smartly packed her lunch and laid out her clothes the night before (wonder how long that will last?) and drilled her on how there would be no TV with breakfast anymore. She was sound asleep when I touched her arm and she gasped when I said it was time to get up. "What? But I just went to bed!" You and me both, kid.

The back-to-school dress we'd planned was too big and missing a bow (!) so we scrambled for a back-to-school skirt instead. She was very excited about her backpack and her new shoes, and eager to get in the car for once.

The crowds were teeming blocks away from school, so we nabbed the first spot we could find. Turned out to be a good one, since it was across from the (often locked) front gates. A lot of kids were posing in front of the school sign, which I thought was a cute idea.

And that is where my jaded, grown-up, my-kid-has-already-been-in-school-four-years resolve fell to bits. I called out "Jarrah, why don't you pose in front of the..." I was about to say "Dailard sign!" but no sound came out, and some tears did. Uh-oh, I thought. I was totally not going to do this.

As we passed through the gates, the first bell rang. Those babies are LOUD. Jarrah gripped my hand and looked at me like "Please don't let them hurt me!" That broke my heart. Her first experience with school bells. They really are awful. I think she is also terrified of tardy slips since I've threatened her with them for six months now.

We saw Jennie and Cameron, the two moms from Price whose kids are in Jarrah's room, standing outside the class. I asked David to take our pic together, as you can see. There were two buckets in front of the door, one for depositing lunch boxes, and one for "snack bags." Here's where I fell down on the job: no snack bag. I must correct that tomorrow.

I don't think we really got a true goodbye. There was no tremulous eye contact, fierce hugging, smothering kisses or desperate last reaches. Suddenly, she was just...gone. Inside the inner sanctum, where no parents were invited. I understand why, but it was odd. I handed over our "donations," feeling not so puffed up with pride anymore now that I'd blown it with the snack thing.

Right after there was a "Coffee Jitters" event in the Teacher's Lounge--muffins and chit-chat with the the Parent Teacher Foundation and the principal. I couldn't hear very much. I ended up talking with Melissa, whose son is not in Jarrah's room, about how her goodbye was unsatisfying. "Were you hoping he would run into your arms in slo-mo through a field of waving grasses, backlit with beauty lighting?" I teased. "The higher our expectations, the more unsatisfying the real thing." She said she supposed that was true. Of course, I talk a good game, but we all know I was just trying to convince myself with my jaunty words.

There was a freaky moment when we saw--from a distance--Jarrah's entire class being marched toward us single-file for their tour of the cafeteria. We knew this because we'd seen another class doing it earlier. But Jarrah's class was clad--every last one--in some sort of giant bright-orange t-shirt. "They've been orangified," David remarked in his inimitable way. But to me, it looked like nothing so much as a tiny chain-gang on the move...kitted out to go pick up trash on the side of the highway. Gave me the shivers.

Before we knew it, Jittters time was over, and David dropped me at home and went to work. I promptly fell into bed for an hour in a sandbag-like stupor, and awakened to my alarm so I could take myself to the movies and sulk. I saw Going the Distance, which I actually found extremely funny--I always love Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, and the jokes were a bit shockingly raunchy, in a good way.

Afterward, I could barely wait to go pick up the young miss and hear about the day's adventures. I ran into Cheri inside the gate, and we waited with a massive crowd for the teachers to bring the kids out to the flagpole, like we'd been told. By the time we realized that the whole school was out there except our kids, I had fallen down on the job again. I slalomed my way through the crowd to Jarrah's room only to find I was THE LAST MOM in there, and Jarrah was plenty relieved to see me (she wasn't alone--a bunch of former students had stopped by to visit with her teacher.) I heard "She had a great day today!" in passing and then Jarrah took over about the beautiful hand-shaped sugar cookie with a red heart cut out of the center (the heart was in the bag, too) "one of the moms" had made for them to go with their reading of The Kissing Hand. (Had just heard about this from Melissa, because apparently it's the go-to "starting kindergarten" book--am I living under an adult-sized rock?)

I kidded Cameron (always the crafty mom at Price) that "someone was an even bigger suck-up than her" for baking all the kids cookies on the first day, but I think I was just jealous that I never think of such things. Jarrah was most excited that they had "TWO recesses!" and the fact that I remembered I'd promised her a Slurpee after her first day of school. She also said "Do you think you could not be the LAST MOM THERE tomorrow?" Um, I'll make an effort.

She said she wasn't even tired. That makes one of us. I could use a long nap and a focused meditation that reassures me I still have some purpose in life. Seriously, I've felt underwater all day. Does my baby still need me? What's to become of me now?

I mustn't sign off until I acknowledge the dear, dear people who thought of us today and let us know by phone, blog or e-mail. A big shout-out to Mary, Lisa G., Jennifer S., Caroline, Grace, Robyn, Synthia and Melissa E. Your words meant so much to me!