Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Do You Hear The Lambs, Clarice?

Lately Jarrah's been asking for "real life" stories when she goes to bed. When I press her for specifics, she narrows it down to "bee stories."

By this, she means the small collection of stories I've assembled over the years in which bad things have happened to me or my loved ones involving bees. She will listen to these over and over:

Once, Daddy and I went to an outdoor movie theater, and they gave us blankets in bags. And when Daddy opened his, a bee flew out and stung his finger, even though it was nighttime. It hurt a lot.

Once, I was walking around in flip-flops at my sister's soccer game, and a bee stung my toe. It blew up and became huge. I screamed and screamed. My mom had to take me home and throw me in the bathtub.

Once, Daddy and I were at the Starlight Ampitheater and a bee stung his toe while we were smelling the flowers. It hurt a lot and blew up. When it stayed that way for two weeks, I made him go to the doctor. Turned out it was infected, and he needed antibiotics.

Once, when your Aunt Lindsey was a baby, she followed a bee around the window with her little finger and finally squished it. It stung her and she screamed a lot.

That's as detailed as the stories get. For one thing, I don't remember them that well, and besides--she doesn't care. She really just wants to hear that people screamed. I know this, because she starts getting confused and asks for other "real life" stories that don't involve bees, but also involve screaming.

"Tell the one where Uncle Karl was screaming in bed."

"Oh, that one isn't about bees."

"Tell it."

Once, when Uncle Karl was little, he started screaming in the middle of the night and we all came running from our rooms. When we got to him, he was throwing his pillows and blankets in the air like a crazy person, screaming "There are crabs in my bed! CRABS! AAAAHHHH! CRABS!" Pop-Pop tried to calm him down but he wasn't even awake. The rest of us stood in the doorway staring like, "Whatever."

"Tell the one about Pop-Pop screaming in the car."

"That one doesn't have to do with bees."

"Tell it."

Once, when we were on our way home from Sea World, I was sitting up front and asked Pop-Pop if we could listen to one of my 8-Track tapes. He said sure. I put in Paul McCartney and Wings and "Silly Love Songs" started up. It starts "EE-OO-AH-OO-EE-OO-AH-OO," a mechanical sound. Pop-Pop went "AHHHHHHH!" and swerved the station wagon over to the side of the road. I stared at him and he kept screaming "AHHHHHHHH!" I said "What's the matter?" and he screamed "THE CAR IS BLOWING UP! DO YOU HEAR IT?" "That's the song," I whispered, and knew I was somehow going to be in trouble.

Jarrah laughs and laughs whenever I get to the part in the stories where someone screams and freaks out. The car blowing up in particular tickles her like mad. "Again!" she screams. "Again!"

"But I've already told it three times. You know it!"

"I don't care! Again!"

I need to start gathering more childhood memories where someone was screaming. Apparently, hearing about people screaming is like hot milk and back rubs to my very strange kid.


The Wades said...

It takes all kinds! ;) That's too funny. She'll probably also really like the horror flicks I can't sit through. What a complex creature you have on your hands! I just love her and her wacky ways.

Tell her how lucky she is to have a mama who patiently tells her stories. My four children get, "Go brush your teeth! Get your pajamas on! Get in bed."

There really is something to be said for being an only child.

The Wades said...

And that title, LOVE it! I could get chills if I let myself.

Jen said...

This is a great post! Jarrah's schadenfreude is really familiar: Sage sometimes does similar things and it always creeps me out and makes me laugh at the same time! (Her favorite stories are about mosquito bites.) But I guess when you really strip it down, kids are humans in the state of nature, right? So I think we're all like this but we can't let ourselves admit it! ;-)

Yeah, I also think your title is hilarious.

Unknown said...

I was a HUGE screamer, so I'll be e-mailing you a long list. They might not be as fun as those of people she sees regularly, but they have A LOT of screaming...

Unknown said...

By the way, one of the screaming stories also involves bees!

Logical Libby said...

I think it's all in the tone. I used to love certain stories my Mom told because of hoe her voice went up and down.

And I will tell those stories to Meg -- with the same inflections.

erin said...

Olivia talks about morbid things all the time. Like ghost stories involving people finding the actual bodies of the ghosts hidden away in the walls of the house (her recent favorite story, she tells me it every night to 'scare' me, because I'm afraid of the dark and she is not).

AND I think those bees stories are horrifying. I'm allergic...although I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of the bees or those epi pens. Have you seen those things?

Stephanie said...

That'll teach D to stop and smell the flowers!

Samantha said...

@Michelle: Oh, methinks you doth protest too much. I'm sure your kids get lots of sweet stories about...cows. ;)

@Jen: Mosquito bites! Shudder! :) I agree with your theory, too.

@Gina: Ooh, can't wait for tonight! I've got new material! Thank you! :)

@Libby: I think there's something to that tone of voice thing. She always freaks out laughing the most when I suddenly get very loud or crazy-sounding. ;)

@Erin: I'm allergic to bees, too! not "die" allergic, but enough to need antibiotics. So bees are genuinely terrifying to me! :)

@Steph: LOL! It is sad how David was punished for smelling flowers and being cold. ;)