My feelings are hurt. I'm trying to get over it because I don't think there's any other solution, but I'm baffled and bothered.
Many of you know that I directed The Vagina Monologues last year with a large group of women from several organizations. The show was a huge success--we sold out a 731 seat theater and veterans and novices alike all seemed to have a great time. Sure, we had some bumps along the way. I had to be firm and--I'll admit it--bossy, particularly as it got closer to the show and the lives of 25 different people pulled them in other directions. I was actually proud of myself for behaving with complete professionalism--I didn't yell, or get into arguments, and while it might sound like a weird claim it's important for me--I never cried. And I worked HARD. While many of the cast members were present and focused one day a week, I was sometimes working various angles behind the scenes every day. Just the communication alone took a lot of my time.
Many of the women were wonderful to me, full of praise and support and recognition of my commitment. One of the producers was my biggest cheerleader, privately congratulating me on my skills of diplomacy and human resources.
Which is why the first stab to my heart came when I saw that the show is going forward again this year, with this same producer at the helm. I also had a "music committee" that I trusted and confided in behind the scenes--one of them is directing and the others are in the cast. Many of my former cast members are appearing in the show as well.
And how do I know this? It's the age of Facebook, baby. I noticed a friend had RSVPed to the event and I clicked on it, where I saw the info and invitation list.
On which my name did not appear. Now, although it gave me a twinge, I can completely understand not asking me to direct again. Spread the wealth around; get a different perspective; I get that. But they know I'm an actress first. Mightn't I have received an invitation to audition? Certainly there are many returnees on the list.
But the part that really gets me is that I wasn't even included in the Facebook invitation to attend, a list that includes around 200 people. Even though I am Facebook friends with most of them. So I can only conclude that whoever made that list omitted me on purpose. Sounds paranoid, doesn't it? Can you think of another reason? I'd love to have options.
My only consolation is when I rack my brains for the way in which I might have blundered egregiously, I can't really think of anything. Sure, I raised my voice to get everyone in order during hell week--I was doing them the favor of making sure they didn't have to stay until 2:00 a.m. Someone had to take that bullet, and it needed to be me. Perhaps I was a perfectionist, demanding their very best at rehearsals and in performance--as I told them, I'd rather have you think I'm bossy and make sure you have all the tools you need to be proud of yourself when you're out on stage.
But overall, I can say I behaved with integrity. I did my job to the best of my ability. I gave it my all. I really cared about it, and about the people involved. I cared about the cause. And I guess that knowledge is going to have to be what gets me past these feelings now.