Monday, January 30, 2012

I'm Over Here, Waving

My feelings are hurt. I'm trying to get over it because I don't think there's any other solution, but I'm baffled and bothered.

Many of you know that I directed The Vagina Monologues last year with a large group of women from several organizations. The show was a huge success--we sold out a 731 seat theater and veterans and novices alike all seemed to have a great time. Sure, we had some bumps along the way. I had to be firm and--I'll admit it--bossy, particularly as it got closer to the show and the lives of 25 different people pulled them in other directions. I was actually proud of myself for behaving with complete professionalism--I didn't yell, or get into arguments, and while it might sound like a weird claim it's important for me--I never cried. And I worked HARD. While many of the cast members were present and focused one day a week, I was sometimes working various angles behind the scenes every day. Just the communication alone took a lot of my time.

Many of the women were wonderful to me, full of praise and support and recognition of my commitment. One of the producers was my biggest cheerleader, privately congratulating me on my skills of diplomacy and human resources.

Which is why the first stab to my heart came when I saw that the show is going forward again this year, with this same producer at the helm. I also had a "music committee" that I trusted and confided in behind the scenes--one of them is directing and the others are in the cast. Many of my former cast members are appearing in the show as well.

And how do I know this? It's the age of Facebook, baby. I noticed a friend had RSVPed to the event and I clicked on it, where I saw the info and invitation list.

On which my name did not appear. Now, although it gave me a twinge, I can completely understand not asking me to direct again. Spread the wealth around; get a different perspective; I get that. But they know I'm an actress first. Mightn't I have received an invitation to audition? Certainly there are many returnees on the list.

But the part that really gets me is that I wasn't even included in the Facebook invitation to attend, a list that includes around 200 people. Even though I am Facebook friends with most of them. So I can only conclude that whoever made that list omitted me on purpose. Sounds paranoid, doesn't it? Can you think of another reason? I'd love to have options.

My only consolation is when I rack my brains for the way in which I might have blundered egregiously, I can't really think of anything. Sure, I raised my voice to get everyone in order during hell week--I was doing them the favor of making sure they didn't have to stay until 2:00 a.m. Someone had to take that bullet, and it needed to be me. Perhaps I was a perfectionist, demanding their very best at rehearsals and in performance--as I told them, I'd rather have you think I'm bossy and make sure you have all the tools you need to be proud of yourself when you're out on stage.

But overall, I can say I behaved with integrity. I did my job to the best of my ability. I gave it my all. I really cared about it, and about the people involved. I cared about the cause. And I guess that knowledge is going to have to be what gets me past these feelings now.


Logical Libby said...

All I can think is that theater people are notoriously bitchy. It could be that you did too good of a job and someone is jealous. Or that someone didn't like your hair one day. All of them are crazy, and most of them are spiteful. You are not, which is why it hurts.

Keep your head up

Unknown said...
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Jen said...

And I am sure that there are many, many people who will get there and say to themselves, "Ah, wasn't last year amazing? Where is Sam, anyway?"

And then they'll say, "Last year's experience was WAY better."


(Sorry, that deleted comment above is mine. Signed in under the wrong name. Gah.)

Stephanie said...

Maybe they are just caught up in the moment of a new show gearing up and have some tunnel vision going on right now. The invite may come later when their focus broadens a bit. Or maybe they don't yet possess any of the qualities their various organizations represent.

Was the director of the prior show on the list of VIP invites last year?

I'm sorry the situation has you bothered and baffled, but they can't take the fact that you put on a kick-ass, professional show last year.

Joan said...

Why don't you contact the organisers and ask outright. It may have just been a massive oversight. At least you'll know, and imagining things is often worse than knowing.

Middle State said...

Hold your head up high and keep moving forward. Seeing all the things you weren't invited to is the downside of Facebook, isn't it? Something similar happened to me at Christmas time and it really hurt. I'll never know the truth so I've decided to let it go.

Paul and Heather said...

Sorry you are feeling hurt! I don'[t blame you. Wish I had fancy words to expalin it away, but I am no good at that crap. F them is all I can come up with. Who needs em anyway. Hugs

Mary said...

In the two seconds I "met" them at the rehearsal last year, I picked up on their vibe. Mean playground bully girls! Hugs to you!

Amy Miyamoto said...

Hey Love,
Did David tell you we saw he and Jarrah at ice skating yesterday! So cool!

As per your post - I am feeling ya - and I want to acknowledge your willingness to not only recognize the variations of what sounds like anger and grief - but to also allow yourself to feel your way through them (so uber healthy seriously!) and on top of that to be courageously vulnerable enough to share your experiences with us - I would equate this to a Fearless Trifecta (is that spelled correctly?) ;) Anyhoo I will leave you will "Any action that is not born of love is born of fear AND Everyone is Innocent doing the best they can with the tools we have right now..." Oh and What would Beauty say right now? Hugs to you my Fearless Warrior Goddess!