Monday, November 23, 2009

I See Dead People

I never thought I'd say this again after becoming a mom, but I did so much partying this weekend that I am BEAT. It was pretty much non-stop socializing from Friday afternoon to midnight on Sunday. And this morning--though it made me feel wicked--I needed a little me-time. So I took myself to see New Moon.

I read the Twilight series. I saw the Twilight movie. Here's my review of both:


Twilight: This incredibly long car ride scene where she figures out he's a vampire is incredibly hot. More like that, please. Lots of kissing, which is good...but more action, please. No? Okay, maybe next book...

New Moon: This is ridiculous. Vampire dude is gone, and clearly she is not going to end up with this other guy, the wolf. I don't know why, but she's not. Other than that, not much happening...until the exciting finish in Italy. Okay, that was good. Maybe more will happen in the next book...

Eclipse: An entire book in which nothing happens at all. Some not-interesting-in-the-first-place characters return. Lots of talking. More talking. Endless talking. A ridiculous forbidden kiss. Teenage girl wet dream in which two cute boys bicker endlessly about which one gets to "protect" you. I am not a teenage girl.

Breaking Dawn: Ugh, teenage wedding. Ugh, wedding night sex that goes horribly awry in the light of day. And ugh, vampire spawn...ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME? This cannot be happening. Oh, but it is. I am revolted. Breaking ribs. Maternal instincts. People falling in love with talking babies. Did I mention the talking? Heaven help us, the TALKING. Talk, talk, talk: THE END.

The first movie:

Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen ruins my favorite scene where he and Bella sit together in science class while he's trying to control his blood lust by playing it as if he's holding back his vomit. Sexy! Lots of running. Sparkling. That's all I remember: THE END.

But the second movie...not terrible! I actually get a bit choked up when Bella is feeling the pain of abandonment. I've been there; I know what that's like. I didn't respond by riding motorcycles or jumping off cliffs, but hey--I can relate. And there is more of Jacob, and Jacob is...all grown up. And he grown up good. He gets an A+ in Growing Up. He has fierce eyes and sparkly teeth and rips into his lines like...a wolf.

Whereas I'm not sure what's going on with Edward this time. His head seems awfully big. And he's always clenching his teeth in unspoken agony. Unspoken agony annoys me. Speak, already! Still, considering how draggy the book was, the movie moves swiftly and looks great. And while I'm not usually into the beefcake-y men-with-no-shirts kind of thing, I admit I gasped just a tiny bit when Jacob whips off his shirt and uses it to dab the blood on Bella's forehead.

So, I know how this all turns out. But I kinda wish I didn't. I wish Jacob had a fighting chance. He's just hotter. Literally. The guy is alive--the other one is dead. Seems pretty simple.

As for my actual life, I have either a full dress rehearsal or an actual show every single night for the next seven days, except for Thanksgiving. That is daunting, and might cut into my partying a bit.

We'll see.


Jennifer said...

I was very anti Twilight in the beginning. I am sooo not into Vampire books. But, I caved and read all the books. I was actually pretty hooked. I guess my life as a kindergarten teacher is pretty boring. I really wanted her with Jacob too. He was just so sweet to her. I didn't love Twilight the movie as much as the book. I have yet to see New Moon, but I'm glad to hear it's better.

erin said...

I love fantasy and I love melodrama, so I enjoyed reading the was a satisfactory guilty pleasure.

BUT I just don't get into 'teen films'...I don't want to see young guys and girls going at it. It's one of my personal problems with life in general. I'm just not comfortable with watching very young people explore their sexuality. Call me crazy.
For some reason reading it is totally different than seeing it for me.

And that Jacob kid just seems SO YOUNG. Like a baby. Who needs to go home and hang out with his momma....

Sam said...

@Erin: Of course, Jacob has no momma. Maybe that's his problem. ;) I respect what you're saying about the young people (though aren't you one of those? :)) But I have the opposite problem with Twilight: There's no sexuality at all. No exploring. It's frustrating for me. I guess I'm just a big ho. ;)

Anonymous said...

Love your review of the books and the movies! It's exactly what I would have said -- and there's so much protecting of Bella, I just get a bit irritated. Wanted more where she was able to be an active, self-propelled teenage heroine and less of the lying on the couch birthing a demon spawn stuff. Guess I'll have to write my own book. :) Lix

Jen said...

Oh, my. Have not read or seen any of these, but your reviews are hilarious! Thank you.

Miss J

The Wades said...

Trying to bring myself to read the second one so I can go with some friends on Thursday night. You did not motivate me, that's for sure.

Read Lonesome Dove yet? You know, with all your free time.