Fear Itself

Good heavens, I haven't blogged since Saturday? What is this world coming to?

Had our first Daisies meeting. I seem to have elected myself "Craft Helper." We'll see about that. I do have a weirdly compulsive love of Michaels and JoAnns, so maybe this is the perfect job for me. One of the moms from Jarrah's class was in there, and we recognized each other, vaguely. When I pointed out Jarrah, she swiveled her head toward her and right back around to say "She's adopted?" It was so abrupt I actually laughed. I don't get that much when David's not around--people just assume my husband is Asian. But since this gal was Chinese herself, I guess there was no foolin' her.

Haven't been to rehearsal all week. Feeling a bit out of the loop since I was there every night last week. I'm back on Saturday. In the mean time, I've decided there's not enough fraught, naked emotion in my life, and I've scheduled an audition for another show, at a different theater. I promised myself I'd get out there, and I'm keeping that promise. (This one doesn't rehearse until February.) There's no way I'll get it--I'm too old for the part, for one thing, and the gig actually pays--but I'm chalking it up to "good experience." Because, you know, everyone needs experiences where you feel like vomiting as you spew some words you've only just barely mastered and try to shake some feeling into your numb hands in front of a room full of strangers whose only task is to judge you, then be tossed out into the cold with an echoing "thank you" and a pounding heart, self-loathing and alone. Yup, everyone should do it.

Lots of news on the tooth front. Jarrah has lost two (count 'em!) teeth since my last post, leaving a gaping void in the bottom half of her mouth and creating a slight difficulty with "esssses." The first night, we forgot all about the tooth fairy, and after that, we said she was coming from Australia, a very long trip, and also has an exceedingly busy schedule. Fair enough, except that four nights later I was ignoring her in favor of Facebook while she nattered on regardless in the nearest ear, ending with "And the tooth fairy is coming, someday, although she's very busy right now" which was like a stake through my terrible heart. Later that night, I suggested we pony up a cool five spot as appeasement, but David thought better of it: "Wait. Isn't that other tooth about to fall out? This could get expensive." He suggested one, and I pushed for two. Now we're out four dollars--and this is just the beginning.

She also had to go to the dentist a couple days ago, no biggie, just a chipped filling, but after 16 cavities she is understandably wary and one look at the swab covered with gooey, orange "sleepy gel" that precedes the massive shot and she clamped her hands over her mouth (no dummy!) for the next twenty minutes of wheedling, cajoling, bargaining and (almost) threats. She finally gave in, and screamed lustily (though did not move!) through the endless minutes of shot-giving while I clutched her hands and hoped I didn't have heart failure. I sat there clutching those hands for an entire hour, though the actual minutes of the procedure numbered about five, or would have without an instant replay of the hand-clamping every time a new instrument was plucked from the tray.

Readers, this was super-relaxing for me, since I myself am so afraid of the dentist that I can barely be lowered in the chair before a massive panic attack sets in. So to sit there gazing directly into my tiny child's mouth while it was shot and drilled was my idea of a spa-like afternoon. Don't get me wrong--I feel for her. But knowing I have to do the same and much, more worse this coming weekend almost had me swooning. On our way out, I summoned (without much effort) the courage to ask: "Can you give me a Rx for Xanax?" I was relieved that she simply said "Sure!" and handed it over. How many of those can I safely take, I wonder? I would prefer not to remember the afternoon at all, since she said I may have to be in the chair (horrors) for 90 minutes.

So, it's sure to be a special weekend. Stage fright and drilling. Wish me luck.