Monday, August 25, 2008

I'm A-Goin' Straight to Hell

...because I took Jarrah to see The House Bunny this morning. Here's my defense:

1. It was the "Crybaby Mommy Movie Morning" at our favorite theater. I think they mean actual babies, though. There were a number of them present.

2. Jarrah's out of school this month, David works long hours, I don't have any family nearby, and our babysitter has a new full-time job so no special "mommytime" afternoons for me.

3. There's no way David was going to see it.

4. I wanted to see it anyway, because I am a witless moron when it comes to chick flicks. (I mean actual chick flicks, with lots of pink-wearing chicks in them. I don't count movies that are about love or feelings or romance. I say fie on those being chick flicks.)

5. Jarrah has a cough, so getting together with other little friends was out.

6. Even with a cough, her waking words were "Where I'm going?"

All right, the defense rests. Here's the prosecutor's challenge:

1. The movie is about a bunny. A Playboy bunny. Whose life ambition is to be Miss November.

2. The bunny "saves" a college sorority house by showing the girls how to wear makeup and gel-filled bras.

3. The movie is about a sorority house filled with girls who don't actually seem to attend college.

4. The bunny's best dating advice is to "be sexy" and "say 'Oooh, huge biceps, now kiss me!'"

5. This part is not parentally egregious, but the movie does culminate in one of those speeches about being yourself, scored to string instruments in minor chords.

6. They use "the B-word" a LOT. (No, not bunny.)

Okay, the defense is back:

1. It's really, really funny when Anna Faris says, "Let's play up your eyes! The eyes are the nipples of the face!"

2. I think there's a message about honoring one's community of women in there somewhere.

3. There's an entire montage of the bunny reading books. Really, really big books. And making it look fascinating.

Okay, you can bring the jury back now. I'm ready for my conviction. (The World's Worst Mommy Award?)

P.S. Jarrah was completely uninterested in the movie. Her one question, repeated incessantly, was "Why the policeman put her in jail?" And I mean incessantly, even though it happens in the first 10 minutes and the whole scene is maybe a minute long. When I told her the policeman put her in jail for living in her car, she was far more disturbed, I think, than she would have been had I explained the real reason, which I'm just going to let you wonder about as it might adversely affect your verdict. Let's just say the reason is the dirtiest thing in the whole movie. On the way back to the car, I asked Jarrah what she thought of the movie, and she said, "The policeman put her in jail for living in her car." I asked what else happened in the movie, and she said "I have no idea." Phew!


The Wades said...

get in line for that award, sister! you cracked me up! so you're one of THOSE moms who takes her child to inappropriate movies. i will be much kinder when judging others letting their wee ones watcj shoot 'em ups, love scenes, etc. if my sam does it, it has to be ok! :) totally kidding. funny she didn't get a thing. sounds like you're in the clear.

i loved your defense. it's my first jury!!! kinda exciting. because you were able to present so creatively, i will let you off!

cute post as always!

Sam said...

No, no, Michelle, no shoot-em-ups, ever! I am a total hypocrite--sex is okay, violence never. I figure "make love, not war." :)

Anonymous said...

LOL. "The eyes are the nipples of the face." Classic. Yeah, yeah, there MUST be a message in there somewhere about honoring your community of women! I saw the previews and actually think you're right, as ridiculous as it first seems.;)

Glad you had an entertaining morning!


Anonymous said...

Yes, straight to hell, but not for taking J. Dust; just for wanting to see that movie! :)

I'm glad the J. was mostly unaffected by the movie & that there were no statues in it to further traumatize her.

much love,

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, you had me laughing hysterically today. I definitely want to see the movie, but I'm not sure it will live up to your account.

Glad to know that Jarrah won't be scarred for life!

Laural Out Loud said...

My daughter is obsessed with jail and police officers, and would probaby fixate on the same thing.

With the way my brain is operating at sub-standard levels lately, I've been trying to up the ante with more, ahem, sophisticated choices of film, but deep down inside I still want to see that movie!

Mary said...

I am so out things today, I had never even heard of that movie. But, I like chick-flicks, too.

Joy would have dragged me out of there!



Anonymous said...

I think I might also be in the running for the "Worst Mother of the Year" Award. I picked up little C. yesterday by her tummy and inadvertantly gave her the Heimlich maneuver. She wasn't choking before I started, but after I was done with her, she was one unhappy camper! :) xxx Lix

Anonymous said...

OMG! You have me rolling on the floor laughing. If that is we worst thing you do as a parent . Hmmmmm, I think I can let cha off the hook. Too funny. I miss you Sam. Jarrah is getting so darn tootin' BIG! What a doll
I have aTON of blog catching up to do

The Wades said...

Max and I went to see The Mummy last night. As we were leaving, I complimented a mom and dad who had a almost three year old boy with them. (He really was exceptional through out the movie.) "Yeah, he's great in movies. As long as there is a big flashing screen in front of him, he doesn't say anything. We tested him first at Hellboy 3." Max and I just walked off laughing. I told Max, "I just have to tell Sam this one!" :)

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

And the verdict?

YOU are funny.

And? I think you just had an argument with yourself.

Melanie Sheridan said...

Since you argued both side there are no legal fees, right?