Thursday, March 01, 2012

Technical Decision

So just now, I'm in Walmart, looking for a slip. I know some of you are like "Whatever" and the rest of you are like "WHAT?! What were you doing in Wal-Mart?!" and to the latter I say "I KNOW." I went there because, like the brown-spotted owl, slips seem to be close to extinction in the wild. And no, I'm not, like, some LADY who wears a slip under my tweed suit when I go to tea (though I do go to tea) but rather, I require one for theatrical modesty: Nightgown + Backlighting = Need for Foundational Garments.

So I'm sluggishly flipping through the various Intimates, not finding anything, when I suddenly hear:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention." Only it wasn't all jovial and booming, like these announcements generally are when they're amplified, but sort of raspy and low and urgent. I craned my neck around until I located a gentlemen lurking in a corner over by coats with a microphone in his hand. His back was to me so I couldn't see his expression. The following is an exact--or as close to exact as I can recall--transcript of his remarks.

"In exactly two minutes, we'll be passing out to every person in the store over the age of 21, a razor-sharp, surgical steel knife."

I darted my eyes around, but I didn't see any other people nearby. I felt a little chill and a flutter in my stomach. Passing out? To every person? Razor-sharp? SURGICAL? TWO MINUTES?!?

Good lord, is Wal-Mart staging their own version of The Hunger Games? First they're going to arm us all, then funnel us into a caged-off arena near the diapers, where we'll be forced to slash at each other until only one stands, who'll be sent home bloodied but triumphant with a Malibu Dream House and a shotgun.

The announcer continued: "Do NOT run. Walk slowly to the center of the store. Leave your carts behind, as space will be limited."

For a split second, I actually contemplated making a mad sprint to the exit. Could I make it before they locked and chained the doors? Would there be guards? I wondered if it was already too late. Oh why oh why didn't I just go to Macy's and pay a little more? I WANT TO LIVE! This never happens in Target! They let you accidentally spend your $200 in peace!

But now two minutes had passed without incident or the piping in of "Welcome to the Jungle," so I decided I could breathe again. I was over by the pantyhose when I heard the announcer, a couple aisles over, saying "And how are you doing this afternoon, little lady?" to an unseen little lady in question. It didn't sound so sinister anymore, but I wasn't taking any chances. I got the hell out of there.

And in case you were wondering? Macy's Intimates contained about 3, 217 bras and 1 slip. Which I bought.

But Wal-Mart doesn't have any. If you want free razor-sharp knives, however, you should hightail it over post-haste.


Jen said...

Hilarious post! I am happy for you that the announcer did not find *you* afterward and call you "little lady." Glad you got your slip, too.

Mary said...

Wal Mart is scary. They are building one right over here! I can't wait for my knife!

Logical Libby said...

You went and got one, right? I mean, you'll need it for the Black Friday sales.